Krause Funeral Homes Blog

Dinny S.* writes “should you bring children to a wake or service?”

Today, experts agree that the healthiest approach is to include children in funeral rituals. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a noted psychiatrist, says “if they are old enough to love, they are old enough to grieve.” While some want to protect children from the harsh reality of death, denying children an opportunity to be part of remembering and saying goodbye shuts them out of an event that can help them grow. A child’s fantasies about death and burial can also be dispelled by the reality of the funeral service which will help him or her develop a healthy and realistic attitude about death. How children grieve and participate in the rituals of your family will help determine how they will face future sorrows.

What to Expect
It will be important to explain your family’s rituals around death: who will be there, what they will be doing, where and when this will take place and how people might act or feel. Explain that they might see tears, straight faces and laughter. It may help to explain that a funeral is a time to:

• express sadness because someone has died
• honor the person who died and celebrate his or her life
• help comfort and support each other
• remember that life goes on

It would be helpful to describe how the room is set up and where the person who died will be—in a casket (open or closed) or cremated—and how that person will look (use of make-up) and feel (cold) if the child were to touch the person who died. Explain the purpose of each ritual.

There are certain terms like casket and visitation that you may want to explain to your children and older children may want to know what to say.  Providing as much age-appropriate, factual information up front will help arm children with the understanding they’ll need to face the event that may be new to them.  Avoid phrases like “sleeping,” “passed away” and “lost.”

To learn more about children and funerals click here.

Kelly M.* asked “How can I quickly and properly write a note of condolence to a friend?”

Here are a few tips that might help you when writing a note to someone who is grieving:

Acknowledge the Loss and Name the Deceased
“I was so saddened to hear that Tom died.”

Share a Favorite Memory
“He was such a great storyteller. I remember at last year’s summer party how he entertained all the kids with one of his crazy tales. He had their full attention and they laughed and giggled about the ending long after.”

Express Your Sympathy
Include in your letter a thoughtful word, a hope or a wish such as “Please accept my sympathy,” “You are in my thoughts,” or “Wishing you God’s peace.” Closings such as “sincerely” or “fondly” aren’t quite as personal.

Clearly Identify Yourself
Include your last name when signing your note, as there may be many with a similar first name. Offer how you knew the deceased if you do not know the family well or you haven’t been in contact for a while. “Sarah Jones (Tom & Judy Black’s daughter).” Provide a clearly written return address.

For additional tips on funeral etiquette click here.

Gifts have been opened, family gatherings are over, decorations are down—and so are you.   Does this sound familiar?  For many, there is a letdown after the holidays. And for those experiencing the recent loss of a loved one, post-holiday blues can be doubly hard.  Chris W.* expressed concern about her friend whose husband died in 2009.  “Today is really a new start for her.  Up until this point she’s been surrounded by family.  How can I help as reality sets in?”

At Krause Funeral Homes we have spent 75 years helping families who have lost a loved one.  Here are some ideas on how to help a grieving friend, family member or anyone experiencing post-holiday blues.

Suggest a Getaway
Whether it’s across the country or across town, planning an outing puts something to look forward to on the calendar.

Worship Together
Many people find spiritual renewal through worship or meditation.  Setting aside time for reflection may be just the help your friend or family member is looking for.

Get the Blood Flowing
Exercise is a proven mood elevator.  Does your friend or loved one have a favorite sport you could play together?  Is there a class through the YMCA or community organization he or she might enjoy?  How about bowling or hitting some golf balls at an indoor dome?  Or suggest the two of you take a walk through a favorite park, museum or mall.

Do Something For Someone Else
Using your skills to serve a noble purpose creates happiness according to Martin Seligman, one of the leading researchers in positive psychology and author of Authentic Happiness.  Locating a volunteer opportunity you can do together might be the perfect spirit lifter.  Or offer to help gather and donate items that are no longer used.  It might feel great to de-clutter and give away the items that were replaced by recent gifts.

Stay Connected
Whether it is one of the above suggestions or a quick “I’m thinking about you” note, keeping in touch can be extremely helpful to someone experiencing a loss.

If it is you who is feeling a bit sad after the holidays, here are some additional ideas on what others have found helpful.

Read
Escape with a good book.  List a few of your favorites to your local librarian and ask for suggestions.   Or look up your favorite books on a website like amazon.com and scroll down to see “Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought” for ideas.

Write
Thank those who visited over the holidays or reconnect with old friends (websites like facebook.com may help).  Or document your family history to share at a future holiday.

Engage
Get involved with an organization, hobby or job you believe in.  Studies show that people who are communally involved experience positive emotions more frequently.

Listen
Find some new upbeat music or something funny to watch or listen to.  Not only will laughter help improve your mood, but your own situation might not seem so bad.

Look ahead
Establish a routine and start planning future holidays and new traditions.

To learn more about what the experts say about grief, Nichole Schwerman, Bereavement Coordinator at Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin, has put together a list of recommended books here.